A Recap by Jamesey
I’ll be honest before I start this recap – I am a HUGE reality show fan. You’re looking at someone who has watched nearly every single America’s Next Top Model, RuPaul’s Drag Race and almost all episodes of Face Off. So when I heard that the porn streaming website XHamster was doing a reality show to find the next big pornstar I was ALL over that like foundation make up on a drag queen! So without further wait – here’s the recap of the first episode.
The show opens with an extended intro and a quick introduction to the host and judges. We’ve got Asa Akira as the host (who has rapidly become one of my favourite people!), Lexi Bell, Keiran Lee, Tori Black and Remmy LaCroix – all of who are really big names in the porn industry. So it’s already different from X- Factor – these judges are relevant! (I’m glaring at you Louis Walsh!) After meeting the judges we’re given a quick introduction to some of the contestants who have some really interesting names… I’m not sure if they are their birth names or not…..
This is followed by a quick breakdown of the show by our host’s and the judges while everyone is sitting around looking really happy and comfortable with each other. You can tell this is day 1 of the show – there’s no side eye and everyone looks happy. Wait until week 5 when they all hate each other!! The premise of the show is explained – the judges are looking for someone who can be the next BIG porn star and they get $1million as a cash prize!! Seriously good prizes in my opinion; plus – lots of sex in between! The judges explain that they are looking for the 3P’s of Porn – Presence, Performance and Potential. As Mamma Ru would said – Don’t Fuck It Up! (or in this case I wonder if that actually applies.)
We’re then given a snazzy little graphic with all the boys faces on (bit like the character select on a video game) as we are introduced to…
Donnie Rock – Seems like a lovely guy
Barry Newport – loves fucking on sailboats!
David Caspian – has had sex with 3 women. (he also looks like an ex of mine – so I’m voting for him to go home already.)
Buddy Hollywood – has had sex with over 100 women. Also has some pretty cool tattoo’s.
Sunny Kegan – loves eating pussy. (he’s also my favourite – he just seems like a lovely guy. So I’m going to back him to win it!)
Hero D. Protagonist – He’s here to save the day. (you know with a name like that he’s totally done a drama degree.)
The Colonel – Not to be confused with another Colonel who does chicken; he’s here to be a leader in porn, which is nice. (well his namesake is a leader in fried chicken)
Johnny Black – He loves 3sums and is nicknames Banana Boat due to the curve in his penis.
The same graphic pops up again and we’re introduced to….
Blair Williams – She wants to be the Miss Congeniality of Porn (she also happens to be a church preschool teacher…..)
Kaelin Blake – She masturbates for a living. (I have a friend who does the same thing. Well…. He just masturbates between getting his benefits. He really does need to get out more.)
Adrian LeeRay – She loves being choked.
Khaya Peake – She’s british!! I feel like she should be my favourite for this reason. (But I’m totally a Blair fan!)
Veronica Vain – She’s the wall street porn star. I don’t know what this means. But she’s got some of the biggest boobs I think I’ve ever seen.
Sydney Gilmour – She looks like whatsherface from Resident Evil and Fast and The Furious.
Danni Darko – Not to be confused with her older brother Donnie
Allie Eve Knox – she’s slept with 4 people.
Now that we’ve met the contestants we’re treated to a montage of the STD testing that American pornstars must do every 14 days to keep working. I like that they’re showing this – it add to the professional feel of the show and it goes to show that this is a PROFESSION that they are entering. Yes they’re having sex for money, but really this is a massive industry they’re entering and the fact that sexual health is shown to be important really made me happy. After watching Kayla pee into a cup and Hero tell us how much he needs to go the toilet we cut to a party at what I’m assuming is the Sex Factor House.
The party looks like something Hugh Hefner would be proud of – lots of people dancing, Keiran Lee watches two of the contestants having sex in the pool (and demands one of the boys spread his ass cheeks – take that X Factor!) we cut to Blair dropping to her knee’s and doing a brilliant impression of a Dyson hoover on Buddy Hollywood, which due to a snazzy little graphic – turns into them having pretty energetic and loud sex in the shower. (clearly the H+S advisor was having the night off!) Buddy finishes and leaves a rather sizable deposit on Blair’s face…. which she then puts in her hair ala Something about Mary. (This is followed by a quick cut to Asa Akira and Lexi Bell looking SHOCKED. Honestly I rewound this 20 second clip about 20 times because Asa’s face is hilarious!)
After the party we cut to the Asa explaining that the first episode has begun! (yeah – all of the above was literally the first 8 minutes of the show! They have got this editing down to a T!) The theme for the first episode is Boys vs Girls or as they put it – Chicks vs Dicks. This will be broken into 3 categories – First Base, Fip-Synching, The Blow Off.
The judges all take a second to explain the importance of kissing in a scene – as Asa Akira states – “Kissing is sooooooooo fucking important”. Round 1 is
Buddy vs Blair – Blair starts by saying in her VT “We’ve never kissed before, I’ve sucked his cock and fucked him so this will be fun.” This however is a very angry kiss. Lexi sums it up best “its like a gladiator match”. There’s no chemistry between the two, just a lot of biting, hair pulling and all just looks a bit uncomfortable. Lexi Bell jumps up and starts kissing Blair to see if that’s how she kisses – it turns out that it’s not. She’s softer with Lexi and the kiss gets a lot of “awww” from the judges. (again – this is how you mentor people X Factor!). Blair gets the point for the chicks – and in her VT at the end of the scene gives us this amazing line – “He my competitor – so I fucking bit him.” I really hope she’s not taking part in the blow off.
Sunny vs Danny – this was just sweet. Like seriously – lovely kissing, totally bought into the scene and there was some real chemistry between these two. (plus Sunny is my fav to win so I’m totally backing him here). Both of them get the point!!
David vs Sydney – This is pretty much like the first scene except for my dislike of David. Sydney is ANGRY with David for something and it shows in the kiss. She’s biting his face like a vampire having a freak out. However Remmy isn’t having this and jumps up to test the kissing skills of Sydney who after a much softer kiss gets the points.
Round 1 to the Girls!!
Before round 2 starts we’re treated to an extended VT of the other contestants talking about David Caspian. The general vibe is he’s a sex pest and public masturbator. (on 2nd thought…he could actually BE my ex!) We get treated to a couple of scenes of David laying around the house just casually masturbating and generally being a bit weird. I told you I didn’t trust him.
Fip – Synching
I have no idea what the FIP stands for (answers in the comments section please!) but the general theme here is that the contestants have to have a fake orgasm off. (This is totally a new party game. I just need to figure out how to work shots into that!)
Hero vs Kayla – Hero’s fake orgasm is a little…. Well he just says “suck my balls” a lot then a bit of “ooh yeah” before he’s done. The judges were not impressed. Kayla on the other hand is giving us an Oscar winning performance. (in fact if you watch the scene from Moulin Rouge where Nicole Kidman is trying to distract the Duke and yips at him – totally like Kayla’s fake orgasm). Asa (love her) actually sums it up “I totally felt she was having an orgasm!” – surprising no-one. Kayla gets the point.
Barry vs Veronica – This one is a little weird. I don’t know if these two just don’t like each other or not but there was a lot of smack talk between the two people (which is funny between faking an orgasm) Veronica starts to make a few gay slurs towards Barry which really didn’t go down well and the point goes to Barry.
The Colonel vs Adriane – I don’t really have to say much about this that the judges don’t say before we even start the scene.
Asa Akira – “the Colonel’s fake orgasm was CRAAAAAZY”
Tori Black – “It sounded like the spawn of Satan was coming out of him.”
Yup – it’s loud, he’s very red, he’s very angry and it’s totally terrifying. If he actually orgasms like that I’d make sure and have holy water next to my bed.
Adriane unfortunately can’t fake her orgasm due to being embarrassed and NEVER HAVING HAD AN ORGASM BEFORE!! (this confuses me – bit like me trying to go on and win the X Factor when I sound like a cat being strangled when I sing). However before we get further – Keiren tells us he’s bored and she’s told to sit down. The boys get the point.
Boys Win round 2!
The Blow Off.
Our amazing host and general comedy goddess Asa explains what we all pretty much knew “It’s a blow job competition.” The contestants have 3 minutes. If you’re one of the boys – don’t cum before the 3 minutes are up. If you’re a girl – make the guy cum before the 3 minutes are over.
Donnie vs Ali – the show takes a decided XXX route here (well – it’s the closest it’s gotten to actual porn.) Donnie walks out all proud, the boys clap and cheer. Ali comes out, drops to her knees and the timer starts!! (I think this should have had the countdown music to show how serious the situation is!). Donnie’s holding strong – even after Tori Black runs in and takes the bra off Ali. However he holds strong and doesn’t finish! The boys win and get 25 points!
The Colonel vs Kayla – after the fake orgasm I’m just hoping there’s a priest nearby. However despite Dani Darko (not to be confused with Donnie) trying to cheat and joining in The Colonel stands strong and doesn’t finish! 50 points to the boys. (no terrifying orgasm either. Everyone’ s a winner!)
David vs Blair – They put the sex pest in a scene! Although when David walks through the door – he’s 100% ready to go and the judges are pretty impressed at the size of his manhood. (100% sure he’s not my ex now.) Blair wastes NO time here – she goes to town here! And after a lot of very vocal encouragement from the other girls, David finishes. (this was followed by a slow mo where all the boys are like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”. And David looks heartbroken.) The girls get 100 points and WIN!!
We’re treated to the girls basically saying they hate Caspian before the countdown starts. It’s all very dramatic, lots of swooping camera angles and some intense music before a bowl is passed round where the girls have written the name of the boy they want eliminated. The scores are below:-
David – 4 votes (sex pest)
Donnie – 3 votes (he looked so sad)
Sonny – 1 vote (WHAT!!! Not impressed!!)
So with the majority, and actually shocking the judges it looks like David’s time is done in porn camp. Asa is pretty honest and states that he was NOT who she thought would go, but Tori being the professional actually addresses the issue and pretty much tells David that while yes, he’s hung, he might be great for a scene – you’ve got to learn to conduct yourself and that its important to leave a good impression with your co-stars. In other words – STOP WANKING! David takes it pretty hard and starts to cry, telling everyone they’ve not seen the last of him yet (sounds like a super-villain) and as he leaves the house.
And that’s it! Episode One is finished! Overall I thought it was a brilliant show – I like a show where the judges actually get involved and TEACH the contestants and while we can giggle about it being porn – it’s a multimillion dollar industry so it’s nice to see new and rising stars being taught about the way to stay relevant in this industry.
I’ll be recapping this whole season and would love to hear from you in the comments section! Let me know who you want to win!!